Why couldn't my poems ever have happy endings?

In a similar vein to Billy Fuzz, this next poem begins as a delightful tale about a lovable protagonist out on a mission to achieve greatness, but suddenly takes a dark, twisted turn at the end. Read on to find out what happened to poor Slappy the Salamander.

Slappy the Salamander and the Stir-Fry Crusade

Slappy was a salamander
Who was very keen indeed
She loved to eat Chinese food
And on stir-fry she would feed

One day she was walking by
In downtown New Orleans
When she came across a newstand
And bought a magazine

She opened up the magazine
to page one-oh-two
And there across the page
A headline read in blue:

"Stir-fry shortage sweeps the nation!"
It read, and with a gasp
Slappy sat down, for she was in shock
And needed something to grasp

"Stir-fry is my favorite food!
What will I do without it?
If I don't get some stir-fry soon,
I think I'll throw a fit!"

Slappy went for days
And soon the days turned into weeks
Not a single bit of stir-fry
Did Slappy have to eat!

Then one glorious day
Slappy went to the store
And what did she see before her eyes
But stir-fry, and stir-fry galore!

Slappy was so excited
She bought the whole display
She took it home in a semi-truck
And ate it by the very next day

Slappy gained 200 pounds
And soon became obese
She had to join a weight-loss program
And filled for bankruptcy the very next week.

Awww, poor Slappy the Salamander! She just loved stir-fry so much. Too much. My favorite part is when she buys a magazine, flips to the 102nd page (that's pretty way in the back, with the advertisments and whatnot) and discovers this huge headline about the shortage of stir-fry crisis.